Alternatively titled: Artemis Foul
…
Now is the perfect time to visit Florida. And not just because it’s the rare time of year where you won’t be simultaneously drowned in a hurricane and burnt alive by the sun. Over the next few weeks, visitors to America’s Wattle, when they’re done ruining the Orlando airport, can actually see a real NASA rocket sitting on the launch pad before it’s wheeled back inside for repairs. I’m speaking of course about the SLS rocket at the Kennedy Space Center, slated to carry Americans back to the Moon for the first time in fifty years.
The rocket is part of the Artemis Program, a ten-phase, multi-decade space plan to return to and even colonize the lunar surface. It’s an ambitious plan. By 2035, NASA architects hope to:
- Send a rocket around the moon (Artemis I)
- Send people in a rocket around the moon (Artemis II)
- Send people in a rocket to another rocket (Artemis III)
- Actually land on the Moon (Artemis IV)
- Break for lunch (Artemis V)
- Establish a long-term habitat on the Moon (Artemis VI)
- Legalize sports betting in all 50 States (Artemis VII)
- Open the first Lunar Casino (Artemis IX)
- Ask out a girl (Artemis X)
Such an exorbitant ambition comes with exorbitant costs: Artemis has already cost $4.2 billion dollars per launch. $4.2 billion could cover the welfare costs of over 80,000 poor Americans. It could cover almost three Space Shuttle launches. It could even get you about four flights into Orlando (currently delayed at Fort Lauderdale).
And the whole thing continues to be delayed. The first phase, Artemis I, launched in late 2022 after a series of setbacks delayed the launch by over a year. The current rocket, Artemis II, has already been delayed seven times for various repairs and fixes, with the current launch window set around the heat death of the universe.
This obviously begs the question: what’s the point? What can justify such a large investment of taxpayer time and money?
NASA could provide several good reasons for sending Americans back to the Moon, the first one being that it’s “flippin’ sick.” But that’s not all. It demonstrates the U.S. Government still has a bigger phallic object than other space moguls like Jeff Bezos (Blue Origin) or Katy Perry (Teenage Dream). It blocks the Chinese from the Lunar gambling market. And most importantly, it creates revenue for the military-industrial complex in key Congressional Districts.
Yes, clearly the Artemis Program isn’t going anywhere. So, it’s in the national interest to lower costs as much as possible.
For starters we can reduce the complexity of each mission. Right now, the average mission plan looks something like this:
- Fill out paperwork ($97 milllion)
- Fix rocket ($906 million)
- Fill out paperwork ($200 million)
- Launch into orbit ($4.2 billion).
- Let’s get a woman of color up there next time ($556 million)
- Fix rocket ($1.1 billion)
- Approve $89 billion for Boeing to develop a new pinch clamp ($114 billion)
- Fix pinch clamp ($116 billion)
- Fill out paperwork ($199 million)
- Maybe it should be a trans woman of color? ($1.06 billion)
- Actually, let’s have Lockhead Martin develop the pinch clamp ($258 billion)
I bet you immediately notice the gross inefficiency—we don’t even need a new pinch clamp when the old dimple clamps worked just fine. Just cutting the red tape on one of the mission steps could free up billions of taxpayer dollars to waste in other agencies.
This is a good start. But if we want Joe Taxpayer to support the Artemis Program we need to do better.
- Delay the next launch: Burning rocket fuel is one of the most expensive parts of rocket travel. We can greatly reduce cost by perpetually pushing back the launch, potentially eliminating this step altogether. NASA has already began implementing this fix.
- Achieve thrust with hot air released from federal lawmakers: Unfortunately, this requires finding a large group of Congresspeople who can breathe without a CPAP machine, making it practically difficult.
- Prioritize technical prowess instead of legacy space contractors in major Congressional Districts: This is unfortunately also impossible.
- Design rockets to break every other month: This could reduce repair costs by an estimated 50% or more.
- Launch Boeing CEO into the Sun: This wouldn’t save money but would greatly increase morale.
I’d like to stress that these are only a smattering of possible improvements. And there should be great hope in the future. Even now, authorities are conducting a variety of creative initiatives not mentioned here that demonstrate an eagerness to earn back costs for the taxpayer. Initiatives like the outrageous ticket price at the Kennedy Space Center. Or the obvious staffing shortages at all Florida airports. Especially Orlando.
