Alternatively titled: How My Newborn’s Diarrhea Can Save America and Possibly Iran
…
Gasoline.
Just the word triggers your anxiety. Since the start of the Iran War oil prices have doubled, capping off an already meteoric rise from inflation and the conflict in Ukraine. It’s gotten bad enough that even our trusty media has sprung into action, with various grave, multi-millionaire reporters droning in concern at the dreaded banner headline: “pain at the pump.” And don’t think the pain of the middle class has gone unnoticed by our vigilant politicians, no sir. Democrats say it’s gotten so bad we can’t afford to keep the government open, save a few massive welfare programs. Republicans agree it’s unsustainable, urging immediate price-reducing actions such as assassinating more foreigner leaders. Even Ted Cruz booked commercial on his next trip to Cancun.
So, it’s bad. But we shouldn’t be surprised. War breaks out in the Middle East more often than Zendaya appears in movies; and yet for a long time we insisted on using their oil. But no longer. Politicians have finally woken up from one of the many naps you start taking at their age and have a new watchword for us all:
ENERGY INDEPENDENCE.
President Trump is pursuing it in his—I’m not making this up—“Drill Baby Drill” agenda. And the hip “New Democrats” want
ENERGY INDEPENDENCE,
also. Only they want it in the form of solar and wind energy, pushing for an agenda I can only assume is called “Blow Baby Blow.” Even Libertarians like it, if any of them still exist. The details are debated, of course. But it’s clear to all we’re plunging into a crisis that only be solved by some very large and very expensive federal program.
Fortunately, I have a much simpler solution: diaper pails. I got the idea when we purchased one of those new diaper containers that are supposed to lock in the smell and keep your house from driving down the neighborhood property values. This is a great concept, except it doesn’t work. It doesn’t matter how often you take out the garbage—the diaper pail is always full. When you need to put a diaper in there there’s no room, regardless if you or your spouse claims to have just emptied it. Since you’re up to your elbows in bodily fluids at the time, this invariably leads to the dirty napkin getting stuffed in anyway so that the top can never quite close. This means a few things: one, the smells get out despite the high tech ‘odor lock’ technology. And two, it always weighs 1000 pounds.
This got me thinking: what if we can harness this phenomenon? Think of what we could do with a never-ending compost pile. Our struggling farmers would get a jolt, for one. But we could also achieve
ENERGY INDEPENDENCE
by either using it as fuel, or, better yet, a simple system of weights and pulleys. Connect an ordinary diaper pail to a bicycle chain and suspend it above a large pit. Then have any new parent use the diaper pail as usual. Within minutes, the rapidly-expanding diaper pail will hurtle towards the earth, which will turn the bike chain at speeds (our calculations show) roughly equal to a photon. Hook the bike chain up to some gears and a turbine, and you could power Los Angeles for (again per our calculations) five years on just one drop.
This has numerous benefits besides the obvious clean energy produced. It can get newborns to contribute to society right away instead of the usual bumming around for 26 ½ years. The bottom of the diaper pits will need workers to empty the full bags and lift the empty pails back up—valuable jobs for Rust Belt citizens and effective holding cells for ICE detainees. And, since parents could donate their dirty diaper bags to the government in lieu of a tax payment, it will bolster the spending power of the middle class.
I urge our leaders to implement this plan immediately. You have the blueprints. And I already have the needed infrastructure piling up on my front lawn. It will bring sorely-needed relief to the American taxpayer. And it would bring immediate
ENERGY INDEPENDENCE.
If our politicians had any brains at all they would get on this right now. At least as soon as their next nap is over. But sadly, we know even this genius idea may get bogged down in our polarized and partisan slog. Or get vetoed by energy lobbyists. At minimum it would significantly overrun projected costs. But whatever happens with my proposal, you can bet
ENERGY INDEPENDENCE,
and quite possibly the Iran War, will involve a lot of crap.
